I pray for mercy

And hope for death

I pray for nausea

But I get a stomach feeling worse than death

I pray for a headache

And get a migraine

I write poems to cope with the nightmares

I write poems because it’s too dark out

I wrote this in green ink because Milo suggested it

Or maybe it was convenient and I’m good at constructing post-hoc justifications

I wish there wasn’t so much beauty in the struggle

I wish there was more beauty in the struggle

I dislike the tummy aches

And the tired feels

And the suicide feels

I wish suicide was real

I pray that God would love me

But sadism is what she desires

I pray that she would desire me

But she only desires her way

I wish I had the words to make my lovers stay

I wish I had lovers but that’s a pipe dream

I wish I could love but that’s a pipe dream

I want you to know what it’s like to be me

I want you to suffer because I fucking hate you

I want that to scare you because I fucking hate you

I want you to hate me because I fucking hate you

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